TV: Martha

Ah, my loyal readers, my faithful fans! How willing am I to sacrifice for you? How much do I love you? So much that I actually watched the entire first week of Martha Stewart's new daytime talk show, that's how much.

And it wasn't easy, let me tell you. Martha's trying desperately hard this time around to be light, witty, and charming; she simply isn't capable of it. Martha is so cold a presence that she even makes David Spade (Tuesday's guest) look warm and cuddly.

To her credit, Martha is not hiding from her recent prison experience; the opening credits montage includes a photo of her leaving the courthouse after her conviction, and she makes frequent reference to the experience. Her segment with Spade, in fact, was "microwave recipes I learned at Alderson," and Monday's show opened with a poorly thought-out gag about her entire staff wearing ankle bracelets so that she can keep track of them.

And occasionally, Martha's attempts at self-deprecation work; it's witty, for instance, that the "Martha" T-shirt included in audience gift bags has T-shirt folding instructions printed on the back.

The problem, though, is Martha's need for control. Most of Martha's cooking/crafting with guests segments -- making scrambled eggs with Marcia Cross (whom Martha repeatedly called "Bree," her character's name on Desperate Housewives), container gardening with Susan Lucci, making Chinese dumplings with Sean "Diddy" Combs -- eventually devolve into Martha barking at her guests, "No, do it this way!" (Combs was the week's most surprising guest; as embarassing as it must have been to have to give Martha "Rap 101" lessons, he was charming and poised throughout.)

Even worse was Friday's show, a 91st birthday party for Martha's mother, "Big Martha." As a surprise, Martha brought out some of her mother's old friends, including one woman Mom hadn't seen for 15 years. Not surprisingly, Big Martha reacted emotionally, and Martha snapped at her, "Mom, we talked about this. Don't cry, Mom. Cry later."

That's also a reflection of Martha's need to make everything about herself. A segment on the destruction in New Orleans, for instance, turned into a reminiscence about Martha's favorite shops and restaurants; the message was "A city has been destroyed; it's so tragic what I've lost!"

I admit that I'm still looking forward to Martha's new version of The Apprentice, because I think her icy dominatrix persona might actually be well suited to that show. But a daytime talk show with celebrity guests and a live audience is not the right format for Martha, and it's hard to imagine that people will keep tuning in to watch a mean-spirited control freak bitch at her guests for their incompetence.